Having read 'Drink' by Ann Dowsett Johnston, I Have Realised So Many Things. I am 47 years of age. I am attempting to put on my standard energetic, cheerful face for the world however inside I am an entire disorder.
Although I have realised for some time that I have issues with alcohol, this book helped me to deal with them. but strangely got me relieved to know I am not alone. My abuse of liquor was not just "hereditary inclination" or me having no self control.....my utilization of liquor to comfort and maintain me originates from many issues throughout my life. Growing up was intense - my dad was a serial con artist, my mom had no self regard and overweight, disliked me was left to fight for myself more often than not. Inwardly, I was totally free.
Strangely, I took no alcohol in high school. In any case, I went to college at a prestigious school which prided itself on its academics....and understudies prided themselves on their capacity to party. And so began my journey into the excessive consumption of alcohol and subsequent negative activity - ranging from loss of consciousness to terrible hangovers to improper sexual behaviours.
I discovered the only manner for a fat girl to have a sexual intercourse was to be drunk with equally as drunk boys.
I arouse one morning, naked in bed with some guy in a frat home in Montreal'.. I look back and it is really a miracle I didn't get badly harmed, land up in an infirmary or drunk tank or pregnant.
Life moved on - I became a licensed nurse, got a masters degree and dated a lovely guy. We took wine on weekends when we were with each other and sometimes during the week I would buy myself a drink.
Fast forward...marriage, .two conceptions, both during which I totally abstained, and never missed it. But then as life goes on, aging parents, ADHD child, stressed workaholic husband with infuriation problems.....wine on weekends turned into wine Thursday-Sunday.
My husband got hooked on a local "brew-your-own" so we had cases and cases of wine'..and shortly a nightly custom to crack one or two'..Privately, I started combining my personal cocktails and having the glass concealed in my baking cupboard.
When I return home - and face the family mess, getting dinner, attempting to get ADHD kid to concentrate on homework while prying the other erratic of his iPod.....I can just consider blending that drink....which I continue refilling until in the long run I nod off or go out. In the mornings, what I do first is to go through my I-phone to find out whom I may have accidentally texted while being intoxicated.
Well there's more to it - one time I involved in forbidden relationship with a guy whose a father to my son's friend, the relationship was very intensely emotional, he got me hooked. The relationship never got intimate (besides a few hugs and staying very close at sporting venues) but if some of you have read about (or witnessed) an emotional affair, the effect can be just as dramatic and fierce, if not more so then a physical love affair. Every time there was a message from him, I got this rush of feelings. I was very hooked on him, we often had late night chat secretly, even while we were at work, but mostly when it was in the middle of the night, he always kept me companion.
I felt really happy, happier that I had ever been. When the relationship got too serious and getting close we almost crossed the sexual line, then he pulled back. I have been ravaged and mourning this loss'.and the drinking heightened.
The cocktails I have been mixed helped me to cope with the pain from the loss I experienced.
Every time I look back over my life, I feel so ashamed myself and to people around me. Below are some of the incidence caused by my alcohol use include:
Getting completely pounded last Christmas at a mixed drink party
Squandered at my sister's 50th birthday
Fulminating messages on my iPhone
Creating a scene in the presence of my children.
Hitting my fist at my husband in the face
When my son had a friend sleeping over I had a total scream and shout fight, but it only happened once.
I am in advising which has been an epiphany.....plus perusing Ann's book and now finding this site and perusing comparable stories. I have a feeling that I am returning home.